So cute

(Source: theuglybarnacle23, via artisticluv)

artisticluv:

Me. Right now.

Cute little girl! I hope when I have a daughter she thinks like this at this age!

(Source: rafaboreanaz)

(Source: quote-a-lyric, via -witheverything)

The past year (Warning: it is long and VERY transparent!)

I’ve been cautious about posting much about what I have been doing for the past year on tumblr, mainly for the reason that I didn’t want to hype it up. But with eight days left I think it’s time.

April 10, 2011 I made a commitment to God. I chose to avoid dating for a year. At the time I wasn’t focusing on God even though I made it look like I was and I knew something had to change. God put the burden on my heart that He needed to be my first love above all else. My heart needed to fully belong to him and I needed him to cover my heart in this time. The verse that came to my mind that day was Song of Solomon 8:6-7

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death, jealousy as cruel as the grave; its flames are flames of fire, a most vehement flame. Many waters cannot quench this love, nor can the floods drown it. If a man would give for love all the wealth of his house, it would be utterly despised.

I realized that was what my heart needed to be like towards God and I had to be transparent with myself and admit that it wasn’t.

At the time of my commitment it was difficult but not as difficult as it could be. I already hadn’t dated for about a year and a half, so how much was I really giving up? Little did I know changes would occur that would show me just what I was giving up and exactly why I was waiting.

In this time God has taught me so many things. Patience is a very very big one. I didn’t realize how much work my patience needed until now. He has also shown me that with him I can do more than I realized.

Without any reason to stay at home the whole summer I made a crazy decision. I chose to go to Australia for a week on my own. Never in my life did I think I would be traveling across the country on my own let alone the planet! But through God’s grace it happened. While I was there God opened up my eyes to so much! Everything that I learned there could not fit into one blog post. Let’s just say I saw God really romancing me in so many different ways and constantly encouraging me, sometimes through speakers and sometimes through people from other parts of the country that I had never met. There were three in particular that I remember. The first was a couple from the mid west US. I told them what I was doing (and by the way most people couldn’t believe that I had traveled over there by myself at nineteen, it took some convincing) and they were so kind and encouraging. Another was a family from the Gold coast. I got to talk with them about a dream that I have had for a long time about starting a women’s ministry and they really encouraged me and even prayed over me. These people hadn’t even known me for an hour! It was incredible to see how God uses people we don’t even know. The last was a man from papua new guinea, a worship pastor of a small church. We didn’t talk much but just being around him encouraged me. He came from a small church and was there not just to better himself but to bring back skills and teaching so that he could better his church and his community.

In this time in my life it wasn’t always easy. After I came back from Australia I came back to a family in turmoil. My family was getting divorced (And I say family because we were already a blended family so it’s not just parents splitting up but us children got split up as well) and I was the last to know. I don’t think I have ever been so angry in my life. I really had to turn to God and the people around me to help me through. God showed me that he even uses the turmoil and the heartache for good and that he is there through it all.

But on a positive note I have also been healed from an awful case of anxiety in this time. Praise God! It was an awful experience since it made me physically ill at least once a week if not more. I would lose weight rapidly just for the fact that I couldn’t keep anything down. Through learning to trust God more and focus on him my anxiety continued to go down bit by bit as it continues to do. I say that I have been healed from it because I am believing in God for a total healing.

Yet through all this time my commitment took a back burner. Not that I didn’t keep to it, I just never really thought about it. What was so different from my commitment and the fact that I hadn’t dated in such a long time? Not much. Well, God changed that very quickly. Five months in everything changed. God didn’t bring anyone new into my life but he opened up my eyes and I saw someone who had already been in my life for who they really were. God upped the stakes on me. I tried to run from it, I thought of just avoiding it but none of that worked. I had started to develop feeling for this person. I felt awful because I felt like I had broken my commitment just by developing feelings. But God reassured me, I hadn’t committed to not developing feelings for someone, I had committed to not dating anyone.

Through the next seven months things became much more difficult and if it had all been one sided it would be close to impossible. But thankfully that isn’t what happened. This person was willing to wait seven months. I’m sorry but when a guy says they will wait seven months I question their sanity a little bit, but when you’re used to picking the wrong kind of guy you get a little confused when the right kind comes along. But that’s what he has done. He has waited and not only has he waited but he has helped me along in this time tremendously probably more than he realizes. God had given me a push. I could see even more of a reason to rely on Him and make sure that I remember God about all else. Because this person mattered and I didn’t want one commitment to begin because another was broken. 

God has taken this time and has taught me A LOT more patience. (Probably more than I’ve wanted). I’ve learned that waiting on his time is much better than anything I could have imagined. That when something seems completely ridiculous not only to myself but to some people around me it isn’t ridiculous to God. That I have to rely on him above all else and go to him FIRST! I also realized I’m not perfect. (WAIT! A closet perfectionist just admitted she wasn’t perfect! I’ve got to process this for a minute… Okay, I’m good.) There are times that I mess up but God still has grace for me and God is still faithful. That blows my mind and brings me unspeakable joy. 

People have said “I don’t know how you do it.” My response is usually “Well, I won’t lie its hard.” Another thing that I should be saying is “It’s not up to me. If God weren’t working in me and helping me hold to it I would have broken and given up long ago.” 

This whole thing isn’t about what I have done. NONE of this would be possible if God wasn’t the one holding me up. Without him it would be completely impossible. All I can say is glory to God for all that he has done, all he is doing, and all that I know he is going to continue to do.

The trial of Mr. Jones

This is an account of the trial of Mr. Jones who was robbed late one night as he was walking through town. (dramatization)

Lawyer: Mr. Jones would you say you’re a wealthy man?

Mr. Jones: I make a decent amount of money.

Lawyer: Do you happen to carry cash on you a good majority of the time?

Mr. Jones: I always try to have a certain amount with me.

Lawyer: And on the night of your alleged robbery did you have cash on you?

Mr. Jones: Yes

Lawyer: About how much?

Mr. Jones: Umm around $100

Lawyer: I see. And what were you wearing?

Mr. Jones: A black suit, white shirt, dress pants and tie.

Lawyer: Anything else?

Mr. Jones: I also had my watch.

Lawyer: So from your attire would one be able to tell that you were wealthy?

Mr. Jones: I never said that I was wealthy. I don’t think one’s appearance can always display how much money they have.

Lawyer: Have you given away money before Mr. Jones?

Mr. Jones: I have a few charitable organization that I donate to.

Lawyer: So you have given money away in the past.

Mr. Jones: I’ve donated money.

Lawyer: So couldn’t it be possible that the defendant thought you were just going to give money away to him. The way you dressed obviously displayed that you had some amount of money and that you were possibly willing to give it away. Could the defendant really be to blame for simply acting on what you were portraying?

Mr. Jones: I was robbed. I did nothing to make this person believe that I would give them money. My money and possessions were taken from me forcibly without my consent.

Lawyer: But since you have given away money in the past how do we know that you didn’t on this occasion and just changed your mind later on?

Mr. Jones: Seriously… why are we looking at my history with money instead of the defendant’s history of robberies.

Lawyer: You’re the one on the stand right now Mr. Jones let’s not change the subject.

A trial like this would never hold in court. Yet countless times rape victims are treated this way. Their personal history, sexual activity, appearance and much more are put into question. Instead of the aggressor on trial it’s the victim. Why do we spend so much time teaching people how not to be raped and so little time telling people how not to rape. You would never see a piece of paper that says “How not to rape” yet I’ve have seen numerous ones, usually directed toward women, titled something like “How to protect yourself from assault.” Instead of looking at the cause of the problem we look at the result. We try to heal an illness without targeting what is causing it, with the act of rape being the illness and the individuals carrying out the act being the cause.

This scenario was presented to me last year and I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. But as I did further research I realized how true it really was. Just food for thought.

A little of my story

It’s crazy to think of where I have been to where I am. God really does have better plans for us than we have for ourselves. If you had asked me two or three years ago if I would be where I am right now i wouldn’t have been able to fathom it. I’m so thankful that I can look back and see points in my life where God was working and I’m excited to be able to see the things he is doing now that I may have missed.

I’m so blessed that God has stepped into my life in the points that he has. He orchestrated my exposure to my first college ministry, The Navigators. From that he led me to read the book Captivating thanks to my small group leader at the time. (Little does she know that just mentioning a book she was reading would be one of the things to lead me to where I am.) From there he led me to be involved in a college ministry, Crosswinds, over the sorority I wanted to join. Becoming a part of that ministry grew me in ways I couldn’t imagine, gave me an amazing group of christian friends and mentors and opened the door for me to lead my first small group on the book Captivating.

Leading that small group really showed me how much I desperately needed God and how everything is by his works and not mine. For the first time I saw God working in so many different ways in my life and the lives of the women he had put in the group.

He even used my heartache to guide me. Going through one of the most turbulent times with my closest friends reminded me that we are all human and we are all still sinners in need of a Savior who works everything out for good. That time also allowed me to close a chapter in my life even though it pained me to do so. He walked with me as I left behind the familiarity of a church that I had been a part of for years and grown so much in.

From there I was led to another church, my current church, which I had never thought I would be at. In fact it was the last church that I wanted to walk into at the time. Yet it was the next chapter that God had for me. Even when I tried to run from it he still brought me back. My life crossed paths with some amazing Godly people that have poured into my life and helped me along the way in my walk with God.

Even at the time where I went through (and am somewhat still going through) watching my family change due to divorce for the second time he was still with me. And the very people that I had crossed paths with he used to help me through that time just when I needed it most.

I am so thankful for the people that have been in my life but most of all I am thankful for the sovereign hand of God that has been guiding me each step of the way. At times I forget that he is there guiding me, especially when I don’t know where I am going. But even in my wandering he is there with me whispering all along the way. Sometimes i just need to slow down, stop, and listen to his whispers and remember that he IS the lord over my life and I have NOTHING to fear.

What an amazing God we have that he chooses to guide us every step of the way even when we forget to acknowledge him. What an awesome Father we have.